Wednesday, April 10, 2002
When I was first thinking about moving to NYC, I was under one definite misconception.
In Manhattan, not necessarily Queens, I was sure that there were going to be beautiful people on every corner. Everyone would be wearing the best clothes, have the best style, and they would all be HOTT! However, this is completely false. Not only are most people nasty, but the city stinks of poo alot. And on top of that, I see more homeless men/women then I see Wall Street Bankers. True, I work nowhere near the Stock Market, so that could account for the minimal number of bankers I see, but still! Where are my Abercrombie and Fitch models? Where are my celebrities? Where are my high profile lawyers? Do they even exist? I know they are here somewhere, but hells if I can meet one.
The one thing I didn't count on was how much I was going to love living here. I have lived in very few, but more than 5 places in my life. I have never felt the pride that I feel when I say I live in NEW YORK CITY. There is a definite community here. There is a reason why tourists swarm the city. I have lived in New York State my whole life. Never anywhere else. But until the last year and a half, I have never felt like a true New Yorker. I do now. I am one. I guess I have always been one, but now I feel like I understand what it means. It's one thing to say it. It's another thing to boast it. But to really feel it...now that is something special.
I feel it very strongly.
I don't think that I am one of these people that will spend my life in the big city. I definitely have the need to be in California. But for the time being, I am so happy where I am. I wouldn't trade this up for anything in the world.
It is harder to live here and that sucks sometimes. Overall, the city is very expensive. My commute to work is no less than an hour. I deal with obnoxious people every single day. And doing little things like my laundry or grocery shopping is more of a hassle than it is worth it. But deep down I love it. I have already adapted to it and now I am starting to really enjoy it. It only took me a year to get to this point. Not so bad.
There is a real community here. I feel safe on the subways, safe on the streets, safe in most bars, just really quite safe in whatever I do. I feel protected. I feel independent. And I feel more confident than I have ever felt before in my life.
I do believe that the city is not for everyone. Honestly, I don't think the city is right for some of my closest friends. People have different needs and personalities. Not everyone is going to adapt in the same way. But in either case, there is FUN to be had. There is always something to do. The city never sleeps. True, I would prefer having enough money to be comfortable AND to still have a blast...but you can't have it all.
So I prefer having a blast.
In my opinion, September 11th didn't create New Yorkers. New Yorkers were always New Yorkers. But after the disaster, the world woke up to the true definition of what a New Yorker is. Most people (me included) believed that NY'ers were rude, angry, and only in it for personal achievement and satisfaction. I was so very wrong. The people here are definitely aggressive. They are absolutely here for personal happiness. They are real. They are blunt. And they are allowing me to become exactly like them. To become exactly what I have always wanted to be.
I am by nature the kind of person that doesn't want to step on people's toes. Ever. I try to be as nice as I can. Hurting someone's feelings hurts mine in turn. In fact, up until a couple of months ago, I had a real problem being honest with the people close in my life. I was just too afraid to stand up for ME. I don't like to fight. I have never been someone who enjoys arguing and I am still not the type of person that will get into a heated debate with someone over anything based on opinion. As far as I am concerned, you can believe you are right as long as I don't have to agree with you.
NYC is making me stronger. It is making it so that I have a voice. I am no longer afraid to tell the people in the subway to "fuck off". I can call my family and friends now and not beg for forgiveness for things I really didn't do. I am not scared to get into an arguement with my friends because I know that we will be friends forever. If Penelope and I have a fight at work, she and I can simply walk away and I know it will be fine. Having a friend means never having to kiss their ass. And I know this now. NYC has opened up my eyes and mind. Being a guy that is always ruled by my heart, it was very difficult to tell anyone in my life that they were screwing up.
Most importantly, I have realized that I am here in this city for me and me alone. I am here to be an actor. I am here to grow and to learn. It is like the education that you never get in college. The education of how to be a strong, capable adult. It feels wonderful to know that I am only responsible for me. It feels so good that I can see the growth. At 25, I am in a different place than I was at 24, and at 26...25 will seem like childhood. The one good thing about getting older is the wisdom that goes along with it. NYC is growing me up in a way that no other city has. I am becoming strong and self-sufficient. And above all this, I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
Last night I spoke on the phone with my dad for almost 2 1/2 hours. I meant to only call him and catch up with him and the next thing I know we are talking about everything from work to every personal relationship that I have. Gosh. The wisdom this man has just blows my mind. He believes in me and takes my side without being petty. He supports me unconditionally and he gives me confidence in my decisions. He is my father and my friend and somehow has managed to find a balance at that. I asked him the following question:
"How did you know...I mean really KNOW that you were in love with mom? How did you know that marriage was the next step?"
We spoke on this topic for a good hour. I went into the conversation thinking one thing and was relieved when I walked out of it thinking another. He and my mom have been married 26 years, so they must be doing something right. I hope to follow in his same path. And maybe with Paul....
My dad and I talked about marriage, about children, and about Paul fitting into all of this. WOW. It was pretty intense. But it was perfect. I wouldn't have changed any part of the conversation. He invited Paul and I to spend a weekend with them at my house in Albany. He also invited us to Cape Cod in August and to Provincetown in November. He invited US. Just US. I can't believe it. The effort he is making is astronomical. Paul and I will definitely be doing one of these visits, if not all of them. I want and need them to get to know he and I, as a couple, away from my friends and my brother. I want them to see why he and I work; why after all the heartache that Paul and I have been through, things are better now than they ever have been. Being in love isn't just springtime and hearts. There's definitely a little shit thrown in there too. But you know you are meant to be if you can deal with the shit and still find that love. Not just deal with it. If you can accept it and move forward because of it. Even more than that. If you can accept it as partly your fault and know that their are things that you need to do to make it all better.
After the last time that Paul and I broke up, I cried for days. I missed him. I was angry at him and said that I needed to be treated better. I believed that I deserved more and that he was destroying me as a person.
I am so glad that my maturity stepped in and that I realized that a relationship is a two-way street. Nothing more, nothing less. I could have never took my step down and Paul and I never would be where we are today. The last 4 months with him have been better than the 2 years before it. I would have missed out on him growing as well. I am so glad that I didn't make this mistake. And now, my parents fully want a part of him and above everything else, that makes me feel the best. I AM IN LOVE and I am happy. God. I never thought those words would ever be in the same sentence. And they are. And it is honest. And what a relief.
This entry has gone in a million directions today. I have been typing it for hours it seems. I do think they are all correlated and together they make the full picture.
Here is my thesis statement: Family, friends, and boyfriend, do not make you the person you want to be. They can assist in guiding you down the right path, but the responsibility of growing up and accepting the consequences of your actions is all your own.
In Manhattan, not necessarily Queens, I was sure that there were going to be beautiful people on every corner. Everyone would be wearing the best clothes, have the best style, and they would all be HOTT! However, this is completely false. Not only are most people nasty, but the city stinks of poo alot. And on top of that, I see more homeless men/women then I see Wall Street Bankers. True, I work nowhere near the Stock Market, so that could account for the minimal number of bankers I see, but still! Where are my Abercrombie and Fitch models? Where are my celebrities? Where are my high profile lawyers? Do they even exist? I know they are here somewhere, but hells if I can meet one.
The one thing I didn't count on was how much I was going to love living here. I have lived in very few, but more than 5 places in my life. I have never felt the pride that I feel when I say I live in NEW YORK CITY. There is a definite community here. There is a reason why tourists swarm the city. I have lived in New York State my whole life. Never anywhere else. But until the last year and a half, I have never felt like a true New Yorker. I do now. I am one. I guess I have always been one, but now I feel like I understand what it means. It's one thing to say it. It's another thing to boast it. But to really feel it...now that is something special.
I feel it very strongly.
I don't think that I am one of these people that will spend my life in the big city. I definitely have the need to be in California. But for the time being, I am so happy where I am. I wouldn't trade this up for anything in the world.
It is harder to live here and that sucks sometimes. Overall, the city is very expensive. My commute to work is no less than an hour. I deal with obnoxious people every single day. And doing little things like my laundry or grocery shopping is more of a hassle than it is worth it. But deep down I love it. I have already adapted to it and now I am starting to really enjoy it. It only took me a year to get to this point. Not so bad.
There is a real community here. I feel safe on the subways, safe on the streets, safe in most bars, just really quite safe in whatever I do. I feel protected. I feel independent. And I feel more confident than I have ever felt before in my life.
I do believe that the city is not for everyone. Honestly, I don't think the city is right for some of my closest friends. People have different needs and personalities. Not everyone is going to adapt in the same way. But in either case, there is FUN to be had. There is always something to do. The city never sleeps. True, I would prefer having enough money to be comfortable AND to still have a blast...but you can't have it all.
So I prefer having a blast.
In my opinion, September 11th didn't create New Yorkers. New Yorkers were always New Yorkers. But after the disaster, the world woke up to the true definition of what a New Yorker is. Most people (me included) believed that NY'ers were rude, angry, and only in it for personal achievement and satisfaction. I was so very wrong. The people here are definitely aggressive. They are absolutely here for personal happiness. They are real. They are blunt. And they are allowing me to become exactly like them. To become exactly what I have always wanted to be.
I am by nature the kind of person that doesn't want to step on people's toes. Ever. I try to be as nice as I can. Hurting someone's feelings hurts mine in turn. In fact, up until a couple of months ago, I had a real problem being honest with the people close in my life. I was just too afraid to stand up for ME. I don't like to fight. I have never been someone who enjoys arguing and I am still not the type of person that will get into a heated debate with someone over anything based on opinion. As far as I am concerned, you can believe you are right as long as I don't have to agree with you.
NYC is making me stronger. It is making it so that I have a voice. I am no longer afraid to tell the people in the subway to "fuck off". I can call my family and friends now and not beg for forgiveness for things I really didn't do. I am not scared to get into an arguement with my friends because I know that we will be friends forever. If Penelope and I have a fight at work, she and I can simply walk away and I know it will be fine. Having a friend means never having to kiss their ass. And I know this now. NYC has opened up my eyes and mind. Being a guy that is always ruled by my heart, it was very difficult to tell anyone in my life that they were screwing up.
Most importantly, I have realized that I am here in this city for me and me alone. I am here to be an actor. I am here to grow and to learn. It is like the education that you never get in college. The education of how to be a strong, capable adult. It feels wonderful to know that I am only responsible for me. It feels so good that I can see the growth. At 25, I am in a different place than I was at 24, and at 26...25 will seem like childhood. The one good thing about getting older is the wisdom that goes along with it. NYC is growing me up in a way that no other city has. I am becoming strong and self-sufficient. And above all this, I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
Last night I spoke on the phone with my dad for almost 2 1/2 hours. I meant to only call him and catch up with him and the next thing I know we are talking about everything from work to every personal relationship that I have. Gosh. The wisdom this man has just blows my mind. He believes in me and takes my side without being petty. He supports me unconditionally and he gives me confidence in my decisions. He is my father and my friend and somehow has managed to find a balance at that. I asked him the following question:
"How did you know...I mean really KNOW that you were in love with mom? How did you know that marriage was the next step?"
We spoke on this topic for a good hour. I went into the conversation thinking one thing and was relieved when I walked out of it thinking another. He and my mom have been married 26 years, so they must be doing something right. I hope to follow in his same path. And maybe with Paul....
My dad and I talked about marriage, about children, and about Paul fitting into all of this. WOW. It was pretty intense. But it was perfect. I wouldn't have changed any part of the conversation. He invited Paul and I to spend a weekend with them at my house in Albany. He also invited us to Cape Cod in August and to Provincetown in November. He invited US. Just US. I can't believe it. The effort he is making is astronomical. Paul and I will definitely be doing one of these visits, if not all of them. I want and need them to get to know he and I, as a couple, away from my friends and my brother. I want them to see why he and I work; why after all the heartache that Paul and I have been through, things are better now than they ever have been. Being in love isn't just springtime and hearts. There's definitely a little shit thrown in there too. But you know you are meant to be if you can deal with the shit and still find that love. Not just deal with it. If you can accept it and move forward because of it. Even more than that. If you can accept it as partly your fault and know that their are things that you need to do to make it all better.
After the last time that Paul and I broke up, I cried for days. I missed him. I was angry at him and said that I needed to be treated better. I believed that I deserved more and that he was destroying me as a person.
I am so glad that my maturity stepped in and that I realized that a relationship is a two-way street. Nothing more, nothing less. I could have never took my step down and Paul and I never would be where we are today. The last 4 months with him have been better than the 2 years before it. I would have missed out on him growing as well. I am so glad that I didn't make this mistake. And now, my parents fully want a part of him and above everything else, that makes me feel the best. I AM IN LOVE and I am happy. God. I never thought those words would ever be in the same sentence. And they are. And it is honest. And what a relief.
This entry has gone in a million directions today. I have been typing it for hours it seems. I do think they are all correlated and together they make the full picture.
Here is my thesis statement: Family, friends, and boyfriend, do not make you the person you want to be. They can assist in guiding you down the right path, but the responsibility of growing up and accepting the consequences of your actions is all your own.
